Can we just talk about the Oscars? I understand that if you follow me on Twitter you probably wanted to kill me last night (I DON'T CARE) and if you "like" me on Facebook you also probably wanted to kill me last night (C'est la vie) but I really do not care. Also, I did warn people so that is no one's fault but your own. You know who you are. I love the Oscars. I consider Oscar night a holiday, as it should be. And yes, I realize it's not always on the same day, but that's okay. It's magical and wonderful and everyone is pretty and (mostly) happy. It is a night of miracles and naked gold men statues. It's a little bit perfect. Now, let's get started!
Oh. My. Lord. I would be lying if I told you that I didn't gasp, clap my hands together and yell "YAY. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Finally!" I knew she had it in her. I knew it. I did. She looked stunning in this McQueen gown. Like, absolutely jawdroppingly gorgeous. I am so in love with everything about this. She was best dressed of the night, by far. Oh gosh. No competition whatsoever.
Honestly, look at her. She looks flawless. From head to toe.
Gwyneth Paltrow shut it down in this Tom Ford gown and CAPE. A cape, my friends. If that's not awesome, I truly don't know what is. Honestly, if you can think of something more awesome than wearing a cape to the Oscars, enlighten me.
Stacy Keibler looked stunning, SURPRISE SURPRISE, in this Marchesa gown. And she knew she looked gorgeous too, but she wasn't cocky about it. I'm talking to you, Angelina. Now while George Clooney didn't go home with an Oscar, he truly went home with a trophy. (You're aloud to throw up in your mouth after that one. I mean, how many times has that been used?)
I think Emma Stone looked just darling in this Giambattista Valli dress. The color looks great and I even like the bow at the top. While yes, it is covering her neck completely, which is slightly unsettling, I still really like it.
Giuliana Rancic looked gorgeous in this Tony Ward gown. It's very Old Hollywood which I am loving. I don't like the severity of her hair though, it's a little much.
Maria Menounos looked stunning in this mint green Maria Lucia Hohan gown. I love it. But being an interviewer I feel like she's going to be overlooked for best dressed which is just a bummer.
Milla Jovovich looked gorgeous in this Elie Saab gown. I am pretty positive that I love everything about it. She was one of the first ones on the red carpet, which was random but oh, so fantastic.
First off, I think Viola Davis was robbed of an Oscar. Yes, I love Meryl Streep (It's a sin if you don't around here.) but at the same time, I loved Viola Davis in "The Help." Granted, I didn't see "The Iron Lady" but still. I was legitimately shocked when they didn't call her name. As was everyone in the room. So sly, Academy. So sly. But I do not like her Vera Wang gown. It does not sit well with me. I don't like any part of it.
My love for Tina Fey knows no bounds. And as an added plus, she looks great in this Carolina Herrera gown. The only frustrating thing about Tina Fey on the red carpet is that she either kills it in a good way or kills it in a bad way. There is never an in between. Therefore, I am thankful for this.
There is something really unsettling about Sarah Hyland's Alberta Ferretti gown. Maybe it's the sleeves. I don't like them.
I love Marchesa and I love Sandra Bullock, but I do not like this. It is very unflattering and extremely aging which is just not what you want, Sandra. It's just not what you want.
Rooney Mara's Givenchy gown has been getting mixed reviews, but I kinda like it. At least I did until I saw it closer, it looks little bit big on her. But there is still something I like about it.
The first time I saw Michelle Williams' Louis Vuitton gown I liked it. Then I didn't like it. Now I'm indifferent. As my Mom pointed out, it looks like 3 dresses in one. I like the peplum, I just don't like the little pin she has on her hip. It's distracting, which is strange considering it is so tiny.
Maya Rudolph has been kicking some EXTRA booty as of late. She has been looking fantastic and last night was no exception. I know what you're thinking "But this Johanna Johnson gown is kind of plain." Ah ha! Think again. The back is jawdropping, (I know, right? Pick up your jaw. That's just embarrassing.)
Everyone keeps going "Kristen Wiig. Beige. Again?!" I actually love her J. Mendel gown. I actually love it a lot. Leave her alone, world. She looks pretty.
When I first saw Rose Byrne's Vivienne Westwood gown, I didn't like it, but then I saw that the back is open and that is fun, hence changing my mind if only for a few moments. I do love her hair though. It's fantastic.
COLIN COLIN COLIN COLIN. When Colin Firth came on stage to present, I giggled to myself. And outloud. I don't want to talk about it. I love him. I don't love his wifey's dress though.
I really liked the color of Berenice Bejo's Elie Saab gown. That's it. That's all I liked.
Yeah, no. I did not like Penelope Ann Miller's Badgley Mischka dress. It was quite unflattering AND she was one of the first people on the red carpet (I don't understand that, everyone always forgets about you) and she just kept talking about random things. It was quite annoying.
I was really looking forward to Shailene Woodley's dress, but this Valentino dress is not what I was hoping for and I don't like it one bit. She looks like a pilgrim. She is 20 years old, for heaven's sake. This is so aging, I don't even understand her reasoning behind it.
Ellie Kemper is literally the most awkward person I know. Okay, well, I don't know her but I celebrity know her, which is pretty much the same thing. She did an interview with David Letterman a few weeks ago and I wanted to cry for her. It was so weird. Ugh. Anyway, her Armani Prive gown is fine, I just can't stop looking at her bangs. They are awful.
Oh Melissa McCarthy. This could've been so good. This could've been. But it's not. I don't like her Marina Rinaldi gown for one reason... The sleeves. I am about 99.83% sure that they were an add on. I mean, I understand that she probably doesn't want full exposure of her arms, but she had so much potential and this is not good. The color looks great though and I love the attention she brought to her waistline. That's about it though.
Kate Mara's gown was STUNNING, but she looks really frightening. Smile, girl. Stand up straight and smile. Or at least smize. I'm okay with that one too.
Octavia Spencer is incredible. There is no question about it. She looked incredible in this Tadashi Shoji gown and I'm sure she FELT incredible. I mean, she did win an Oscar for goodness' sake. And can we just talk about how her acceptance speech was just about the cutest thing I ever did hear. AND can we talk about how much I love this picture? Look at her expression. It kills me.
Here's the thing. I don't love Meryl Streep's Lanvin dress. While, yes, I do love me some gold lamé, I don't love the dress itself. It looked like it was too big on her. But this makes me believe, well re-believe, that if you want something bad enough, dress the part. For example, she dressed like an Oscar trophy and she went home with one. Easy peasy.
Judy Greer is better than this Monique Lhuillier gown. She is so much better. Had it been fully silver, I would've loved it.
It's almost humorous as to how much I hate the dress Missi Pyle wore. It was a hand-dyed organic silk gown made my someone named Valentina Delfino. Apparently there was a contest and God only knows why Missi Pyle was chosen to participate. Also, why was she there? She was in "The Artist" for about .10 seconds. I am quite confused. I am also confused as to why she was talking about cruelty-free silk worms for 2 minutes on E!'s red carpet special. I rolled my eyes SO dramatically, let me just tell you.
Melissa Leo was worst dressed of the night. She had NO competition for worst dressed. This is one of the most hideous frocks I have ever seen in my life. And while I have not lived long, I have seen a bunch of frocks, both beautiful and hideous, and this one takes the cake. Or whatever. I loathe it.
And the most obnoxious award goes to Angelina Jolie. While yes, her Atelier Versace gown is kind of amazing, despite the fact that it was made from the fabric of the Devil (VELVET), her whole "I'm going to THROW my leg out of this slit at every opportunity possible" thing was ridiculous. She was really proud of her skinny little leg until the winners made fun of her stance, I mean, it was bad, and she got offended. Look, you can't do stupid things and then not go along with it when they make fun of you. So harmless. Don't you have like, 106 kids at home? I hope you have a sense of humor with them at least.
Despite the fact that Natalie Portman's Christian Dior gown is from the 1954 collection, I don't like it. It's just kind of there and her hair looks awful. Did it suddenly start raining on her head? I'm totally picturing her as Eeyore right now, by the way. I don't even know.